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Upcoming
Workshops:
"The Art of Resolving Arguments
with Women"
- a workshop for
men
Facilitated by Daren De Witt & Richard
Cole.
Sat 29th May 2010, London, £100
www.relatenow.co.uk
"Dancing in the
Dark"
- a workshop for
couples
Led by Sandra & Richard Knight. 19th -
21st Nov 2010, Edinburgh, £250 pp + board
More
about Creative Couplework
Interesting
articles:
A thought provoking article by Corrina
Gordon-Barnes submitted for the 2010 Ooffoo Awards that now seems rather
prophetic: http://www.ooffoo.com/listing/When-All-Flights-Are-Grounded.aspx
Testimonials
"I contacted Caroline in the year after the
birth of my son when I was crying out for support and how to make sense of
my relationship with my husband. Through our sessions, I was able to
release some of the pressure and to explore my interactions and responses
with my partner - even though he chose not to take part. Caroline created
a safe space for me to talk, laugh, cry and reflect during a time when I
was struggling to define myself, let alone my relationships. I have learnt
that it's okay to be more sensitive, to be more 'me', and to take
responsibility where I can. I appreciated Caroline's humour and honesty. I
miss our weekly sessions but I also think that our conversations remain
within me and continue to shape my relationships and who I
am."
Kate, Psychologist, wife & mother
"As a new mum returning to work in a new job,
Caroline provided me with much needed space to breathe and focus.
When I look back now I realise what a challenging and overwhelming place I
was in. Caroline helped me to untangle the different parts of my life and
to find clarity, inner focus and most importantly, myself. I gained
confidence in myself and my abilities in the workplace, and also came to
understand how being someone's mum could become part of being
me."
Liz, Marketing Consultant, wife & mum
Part
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Parenthood - A
Relationship Step, Part 2
Hurray! Spring is in the air, the sun is out more and
it's warming up a little. I can feel myself relax as I take off a layer of
clothing and have to pop on the suncream. Mmmm... the smell of
holidays!
I have been learning a lot over the last
months and this has included; exploring how to support our four year old
as he goes through a new phase of separation anxiety and testing
boundaries, alongside paradoxically how to let go a little more as he
nears starting school in September, how to manage having people come into
our home to do work on the house, what to do with a lawn that is more mud
and moss than grass, new understanding around abusive behaviour and how
best to support couples where this is happening, as well as my own
personal journey around being an ex-boarder and how to integrate the
painful emotions from this period of my life and the challenges the
experience left around living and relationships afterwards. If you're an
ex-boarder and this triggers something, you might find www.boardingconcern.org.uk
and www.boardi!
ngschoolsurvivors.co.uk helpful.
There are larger gaps now between some
newsletters as I write when I have space - part of learning to look after
myself first - which in turn makes it easier to sustain my support for
clients.
Parenthood - A Relationship Step,
Part 2
With the arrival of a baby comes the
arrival of a 'mummy' and a 'daddy'. OK, pretty obvious! However perhaps
not so obvious is that these new roles instantly bring new baggage with
them. They bring the couples own experience of being parented, or not, by
their 'mummy' and 'daddy', however that looked and with it a kind of
blueprint. How often have you heard someone say "I sound just like my own
mum/dad when I say 'x' to my son/daughter" or that they are scared that
they are turning into their mum or dad? We cannot help but be shaped by
our experience in childhood where we make up many of our rules, views and
scripts about how life and relationship is, and how to behave.
Of course we have a choice and can
consciously decide to parent differently and break family patterns, though
this tends to come as a reaction to our own experience or in a sustainable
way through new and increasing self-awareness. Yet, whatever our
intentions, it is also inevitable that some patterns will be repeated and
re-experienced before we become aware of them and able to change them.
So what is the impact of all this on the
relationship between a couple, and why is it a positive relational
step?
Change 2) Patterns from the Past
Emerge
When we first become parents, parental
patterns learned in our childhoods affect our relationship with our
partner. Over time these patterns appear in any relationship, however they
escalate with the arrival of children. Despite months of waiting and
preparing, the reality is that we become parents overnight so, usually
unconsciously, we act from our first blueprint - our own mum or dad.
What did you learn
from your mum or dad about their parental
role?
What expectations do
you have of yourself as a parent as a result?
When do you
particularly sound or behave like your mum or
dad?
As our parenting approach comes from or in
reaction to our own childhood experiences we naturally connect with that
time in our lives and in some way we relive our own childhood as our
children grow up. In most cases the arrival of children means an increased
involvement with our actual parents, as they step into the role of
grandparents, and this too sheds new light on our own childhoods. I guess
you just have to look at how many of us struggle with our relationship
with our parents and 'family' occasions after we 'leave home' to see that
there is stuff we have yet to resolve.
The positive side of this is that it is a
time of discovery that can bring us new awareness, choices and individual
growth, the chance to heal old wounds and hurts, and a new level of depth
in our relationships. Yet, that does not mean it is easy when old and
unresolved emotion hits us. Naturally a couple will have different
experience of and therefore behaviours in parenting and gender differences
only add to this. So at a time we want to feel happy and close there is a
deep undercurrent that brings change in our relationship with our partner,
whether we want it or not. We are likely to experience new behaviour in
our partner that does not fit with the woman or man we know, that comes
hand in hand with them being a mum or dad. In response, we are likely to
have stronger reactions and feel more emotional, or perhaps the complete
opposite, feeling less emotional and shut down.
What emotions do you
feel when you remember being parented as a child?
What parenting do you
want to repeat? And what parenting do you want to do
differently?
Just becoming aware that old patterns and
reactions will be triggered makes a difference. It helps to notice them
and own them when they happen, particularly with your partner. For
example, if as a mum you find yourself judging everything your partner
does with your baby, acknowledge that you are doing this by saying
something like "I notice that I keep commenting on and being critical
about what you are doing for our baby." Depending on what you are feeling
and why this is, you might add something like "I don't quite understand
what is happening yet, but I notice I am feeling angry/scared, and I want
to include / trust you more but notice it feels easier doing everything
myself, my way." Whilst your partner might not want to hear this, it
is honest and vulnerable and will invite an adult response and hopefully
exploration together. You might go a step further and guess at a link, for
example "I think my mum did most of the looking after me on her own, so
I am not sure I learned how to do this together." The more you can
notice your own behaviour (rather than your partner's!) the more likely
you are to be able to express how you are feeling and to find ways forward
together. It may also help you to see the links between your current
behaviour and your past experience, so you can make sense of it and be
able to have the choice to change it.
Many dads feel on the edge, excluded and
lost when their baby arrives and unsure of their role. Fathers inevitably
have a different relationship with their baby from that of the mother as
the mother has physically 'known' her baby for months before he / she
arrives. This can very easily leave dads feeling angry, resentful or
jealous, some of which may be old feelings that have been triggered. I
want to stress that dads are vitally important in the early days, months
and years and that their job is to support and protect the mother and
baby. As a child grows and starts to seek independence, a dad makes all
the difference by being available to his son or daughter so they can learn
more from him and feel supported and safe as they separate from their
mother.
Belinda Phipps, CEO of NCT, recently said
"relationship breakdown for couples is highest in the year after birth". A
statistic that emphasises that becoming parents, whether for the first,
second or additional times brings greater pressure in our relationships,
and that this is a stage in life where relational support can be
invaluable.
As I was writing this article I frequently
noticed the desire to stop writing about what is such a complex topic, a
bit for fear of not explaining it well and a bit for wishing it was easier
and more humorous! Yet I have a passion for sharing my learning and
perspective as it is this awareness that has made a difference to me as a
mum and in my own marriage, and in my work with clients. I trust that it
reminds you that the messy parental path and family stuff can lead to
greater choice and richer relationships and above all a greater compassion
for yourself and your partner, for both family and friends in their
relationships and particularly for those who are new parents as they
navigate the early years together.
Wishing you all the best,
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